


Like Real People Do

by alienfic



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Agender Character, Agender Louis, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Diners, Famous Harry, Famous Louis, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, List of trigger warnings in the note at the beginning, Louis in Makeup, Louis uses they/them pronouns, Makeup Artist Louis, No Smut, Nonbinary Character, Other, Pining, Pining Louis, Trans Character, Trans Harry, Trans Male Character, YouTuber Harry, YouTuber Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 14:52:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7622980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienfic/pseuds/alienfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“Getting to know you feels a lot more like remembering than learning, like we’ve collided before, exploded in space as stars, in the sky as birds and on the ground a thousand times before this lifetime. Like I just forget that you exist, but I’m supposed to meet you each time I do.” </i><br/> <br/>-</p><p>Louis might not know what to do with their feelings and Harry might not know what to do with Louis, but being honest is a good way to start figuring it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Real People Do

**Author's Note:**

  * For [louissass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/louissass/gifts).



> Hi! I'm a pinch hitter for this request and I'm so sorry if this is a little rushed but I really enjoyed working with this prompt and I hope you like it!
> 
> I want to thank my beta for being so very patient with me and putting up with this even when we both caught an extremely nasty cold. You helped me more than you give yourself credit for and I love you so much! ❤
> 
> I also want to thank [Courtney](http://jamesbeauchanan.tumblr.com/) for checking it out before I posted it and for the lovely comments. It means so much to me and you are absolutely brilliant!
> 
> You can find the playlist for this fic [here](https://play.spotify.com/user/alienfic/playlist/39Z0HxUzJRkPNplm2LcaUh) and the title was taken from Hozier's Like Real People Do which is on there!
> 
>  
> 
> **IMPORTANT**
> 
> There are some things you should be aware of that might be triggering. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable reading this and there are a lot of emotional things discussed in this fic, as well as mentioned. So here are some trigger warnings and if you want me to add something to the list please let me know. 
> 
> \- Discussing binders, flat chest and gender related struggles.  
> \- Brief panic attack.  
> \- Very brief mention of alcohol, but nothing detailed.  
> \- Very brief sex implication, but nothing detailed.  
> \- Very brief mention of murder in a quick comment. Nothing detailed whatsoever.  
> \- Mentions of food, but nothing detailed.  
> \- One mention of Harry being on his period, but blink and you'll miss it.
> 
> Also, I am non-binary myself but I have not used a binder, so the information and some experiences in this fic are taken from my friend Eric and from doing some quick research. I tried my best to make it as accurate as possible, but please let me know if there's anything you find inaccurate or offensive because I never intended it to be. This also applies to the fic as a whole of course.

_“Getting to know you feels a lot more like remembering than learning, like we’ve collided before, exploded in space as stars, in the sky as birds and on the ground a thousand times before this lifetime. Like I just forget that you exist, but I’m supposed to meet you each time I do.”_

 

-

 

It’s 2 a.m. If you’re standing on the street outside you won’t notice the dim light that sits on the desk in the corner. You won’t notice that it’s there to keep someone up in the late, _early_ , hours of the night before, _today_. You won’t notice the coffee, or the yawning or the struggle they're putting themself through. Louis is tired of not only the aftertaste in their mouth but the crick in their neck and the couple upstairs and not enough energy to continue.

They check the clock for the tenth time in less than an hour. It’s a nervous habit and the daunting realization that it’s taking them so long to finish hits them quite hard. They told themself that they’d only stay up until midnight, because it’s the fifth late night in less than two weeks and there’s not enough sugar filled coffee in the world that can help them through another one without errors.

Then midnight became a goal of 3 a.m. after they realized that they’d accidentally deleted, or at least lost, a pre-made clip for their video and had to spend another hour re-making it, which would’ve been barely half an hour if they’d been awake enough to put some effort into it. Now they’re still glued to the chair trying to finish up with at least some decent editing, because the productivity keeps dropping with every step.

“Lou?”

They turn their head around slightly and see Harry standing there. He’s in a big t-shirt that goes down half his thighs and if they know him at all then that’s about it. There’s tired in his eyes and a shaking cold in his legs as he wraps his arms around himself to replace the heat from his bed.

“What’re you doing up?” he asks and rubs his eyes. Louis wonders if comparing him to a kitten is still a good way to describe it. They’ve tried thinking of something better for years, often because of Harry's complaints, but decides that it’ll have to do for 2 a.m.

“Editing,” they answer and turn back around. They can both hear and feel Harry stepping closer to the chair before there’s pressure on their shoulders and a kiss on top of their head. “Did I wake you up?”

“Oh no,” Harry says. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Louis nods and leans back in the chair. Harry then wraps his arms around them ever so gently from behind and breathes a sigh of pity for his roommate. It happens far too often; this tiring, nightly work that is only a product of Louis’ epic procrastination skills and their need to please everyone.

“Come on, go to bed. I’ll finish it for you, yeah? You can post it first thing in the morning.”

Louis turns their head a bit to look at his profile and upon seeing the sincerity in his eyes and the soft smile, they’re convinced that it’s probably a good idea. If it was anyone else they would’ve disagreed before anything was even suggested, but this is Harry and his stubborn act of caring and maybe too much love for the boy on Louis’ part.

“Alright,” they say and let Harry guide them out of the chair. “You don’t have to finish it though, I’ll just get up early and do it myself.”

“You sure?” Harry asks them, still too kind.

“Yeah, let’s go to bed, punk.”

 

-

 

Louis would do anything for Harry, if he asked them to. Anyone who watches either of their videos knows this. It’s in the way Louis doesn’t even hesitate when Harry asks them to do something incredibly ridiculous, like rolling around naked in the snow before jumping into a hot tub, or in the way Harry no longer has to tell them what’s in the next experimental recipe they’re asked to judge the results of, even if said recipe is trying to make Rachel’s trifle in Friends taste _good_ (it didn’t).

The same way Harry would do anything for Louis. It’s not as obvious from Louis’ point of view because of nagging doubt, the uneasy feeling that some day they’ll have taken it all for granted, but it’s still there; alive and kicking.  And even though it doesn’t seem like a grand gesture, it particularly shows in the ways he takes care of Louis when they’re feeling rather down.

The next day can be taken as a perfect example.

First, Louis wakes up to breakfast, quite literally. It’s the first thing they see, right next to Harry who’s kneeling down next to their bedside table with a soft smile on his face. Louis must look bewildered from the gentle wake up and they wish, quite badly, that Harry wouldn’t catch them in that state.

“Morning, sunshine,” Harry says and boops their nose before standing up again. “Before you can start protesting, I’ve already finished your video. All you have to do is write your caption and post it.”

“Harry-”

“No protesting.” He smiles at them and gives their cheek a gentle stroke before starting to back up towards the door. “Enjoy your breakfast, jerk.”

Then there are the favourite crisps that they find on the table, next to a couple bottles of cider that you need to go across town to get and a plate of cookies that didn’t come from some strange recipe, but from the one Louis’ grandma gave to them that they can’t quite perfect like Harry has.

There's also a third thing that doesn't actually count as something out of the ordinary, but it still feels like Harry took them there to cheer them up. They're sitting at their favorite diner, table full food, without any explanation as to why Harry is making a big deal out of it and it's _good_ but also very suspicious.

Harry only smiles when Louis asks him about it though and looks about as smug as Louis did when they managed to get Harry tickets to see Beyoncé. Louis wonders what could possibly be thrilling enough for Louis as Beyoncé for Harry, but the closest thing they can think of is videos of big animals wanting to cuddle people. Like elephants, or cows. It’s Louis’ weakness. Maybe they’re going to the zoo.

“Hey guys,” Harry says to the camera just as they’ve just received their food. “I’m sitting here with Louis as usual and we’re at Betty’s again. Shoutout to Betty for not questioning how we can afford ordering half the menu every time we’re here.”

He turns the camera to where Betty is rolling her eyes at them and then goes to put Louis in focus again. They’re smiling, soft and oddly endeared by Harry wanting to document something as regular as this. The two of them can be found here whenever either of them is hungry enough to take the 50 minute tube ride to get there. Today Harry paid for the relatively short cab ride though, which costs about as much as their weekly food budget. Louis doesn’t question it.

“We actually can’t,” Louis says. “We’ll be living off of ramen for a week after this.”

“We already do,” Harry points out, which gets an almost ironic laugh out of Louis.

“Only because you spend all our money on whatever you put in those weekly experiments of yours. I almost moved out when you told me how much you spent on ingredients for that galaxy decoration video, remember?”

Betty starts to laugh at that while Harry doesn’t look too amused. At the time it was meant to be a joke, but Louis had accidentally made him believe that they were actually contemplating moving out and Harry had started crying. It was a lot of money and if it had been today maybe it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, but it happened during a time when they lived in a closet of a flat and still couldn’t afford to go big or go home. And even though it _had_ been a joke, Harry’s tears weren’t. He’d been on his period too which Harry himself admits makes him extra emotional (understandably so), but Louis should’ve been more well aware of the cruelty in their humour, period or not. It’s no longer something the two of them take too seriously though and this, _this_ , was the perfect opportunity to joke about it.

Louis only smiles, smug as can be, and pops a chip into their mouth, only to get some bbq dip on their cheek. It’s just a small splash, barely there, but Harry seems to break out of his pouting at it and goes to wipe it off before showing off on camera how it’s Louis’ turn to mope instead.

“Maybe we should spend all our money on some napkins for you instead, the way you spill. Seriously, I don’t remember the last time we had meal without food ending up somewhere it’s not supposed to be,” Harry says and snickers a bit at how offended Louis is by it. It’s not exactly a sensitive subject, for some reason it used to be, but he still tries to be gentle about his jokes.

“You realize how kinky that sounds, right?” Louis points out when they’ve pulled themself together and Harry can’t help but blush, because _yes_ but _please no_ . Harry can’t have that type of conversation with Louis without thinking too seriously about it which _please god no never not again._

“Not until your rude ass pointed it out,” Harry says and throws a chip at them. It hits their jumper and leaves an almost unnoticeable grease stain before it falls into their lap instead. “Come on, say something funny instead.”

“Your face,” Louis, almost instantly, says. “No, no, your mum.”

“Hey,” Harry shrieks, mock offended. “Don’t bring my mum into this.”

“Well your mum is funny. Funnier than you I reckon,” Louis says and gives the camera a quick glance before sipping on their coke. “You’re lucky to have me in your videos. Crickets could be heard otherwise.”

“I manage perfectly fine without you, thank you very much.”

“You wish, darling,” Louis says and flicks their fringe a bit.

A few strands of hair get stuck in their lashes from it and they have to tuck it in behind their ear instead. When they look back at the camera they notice that Harry is looking at them with the kindness of years and such a _I don’t know what I did to deserve you_ smile that never fails to amaze Louis. They want to offer it right back every time. But don't. It would be too honest, too soon, and it terrifies them. Harry’s honesty terrifies them.

These moments don’t happen very often, when they get _stuck_ in each other for just a second and it’s breathtaking in a literal sense. Louis can’t breathe in it or to get out of it so the only thing that pulls them out is when Harry looks back to make sure the camera is still focusing on Louis.

“Okay, so back to the original point of this video. I was thinking that since we both have today and tomorrow off, at least from things that actually bring us money, we should do something other than what you suggested which was-”

He motions for Louis to finish his sentence and they repeat what they’d requested earlier, “actual netflix and chill. With lots of food we’ll regret eating.”

“Which sounds fantastic, let’s be honest, but unless we do some internet version netflix and chill we won’t be getting a lot of views out of that,” Harry says and Louis wiggles their eyebrows at the camera before Harry goes on. “So instead I got us tickets to something that’ll a, get you to hate me and b, get you to cuddle me. Two things I absolutely love. Let me tell you guys, when Louis is mad at you it’s the cutest thing. Like a cat trying to make you think it doesn’t want to be close to you but then you’re casually watching a movie and it just gets closer and closer until it’s in your lap demanding that you pet them for an hour.”

“You’re an asshole,” Louis says to him and takes a huge bite of the fudge cake while the eye contact remains. “And if you’re making me sit through some opera bullshit again, I swear to god-”

“No offense to those who like operas. Or Oprah Winfrey, depending on what instance they’re talking about.”

“- I will make you watch the human centipede again.”

Harry looks at them with a glimpse of humour in his eyes and not as much horror as Louis would’ve hoped. They made him watch it last Halloween without explaining what it was about because Niall was shocked that Harry hadn’t even heard of it but also delighted that he could show it to him without hesitation. They were also a little bit drunk, all of them, and Harry ended up throwing up all the lemon jello shots he’d had once he realized what was happening. It was a successful night, if you ask Niall. And if you had asked Louis they would’ve said the same thing until they were the one who had to clean up those jello shots off the living room carpet. The day after. Without any gloves.

“It’s a  guided ghost walk.”

Louis throws some cake at him.

 

-

 

It’s cold outside when they get to the pub that afternoon. Louis is wrapped up in the biggest jumper they own and what they think is a pair of Harry’s joggers that are hugging their legs tight and are tucked into their knitted socks and new boots. According to Harry it’s a look. Louis says it’s the weather. Late September gives a fifty percent chance of rain and at average 13 degree air that is lower towards the night. It’s definitely the weather.

“You excited?” Harry asks and wraps his arms around Louis who’s keeping their hands in their pockets. “It’ll be fun.”

“Fight me,” Louis mutters and buries their head in Harry’s chest, letting themself be held. The fabric is itchy and chilly against their cheek but Louis doesn’t want to complain; doesn’t want it to end. They quickly notice how flat it is though and pull back to make eye contact. “You’re wearing your binder.”

It’s not a question. Louis’s gotten enough hugs throughout the years to know the difference. And it wasn’t as visible on the way over under the thick coat, but pressed close together they can feel it. It’s a worry that creeps in, definite and cold, as they watch Harry take a step back.

“Yeah,” Harry mumbles and looks down a bit guilty. He runs his hand over his chest but doesn’t dare looking up at Louis, as if he feels caught with something bad; something terrifyingly off the table.

“Hey, hey, none of that,” Louis whispers and goes to cup Harry’s face, but he’s not having any of it.

“I don’t need you babying me, Louis,” he snaps and pulls back even more. “I just didn’t want to wear the freaking sports bra again, okay?”

He goes so quickly from guilty to angry, no matter what it is. It’s like he suddenly remembers that he doesn’t have to feel guilty anymore, like he snaps out of the reappearing self-doubt that was with him for years without a single break. He goes back to what he is now and what Louis wants him to be; someone who stands up for himself when he feels that he’s being judged or underestimated.

“I’m not babying you, I’m _worried._ You’ve just started wearing it and the doctor said not to wear it for long periods of time for a while, because-”

“I know what the doctor said,” Harry says, annoyed but firm in his words. Louis’s just glad that they got here early enough to have to wait for the tour-guide, because they want to finish this before anyone comes to interrupt.

“Yeah and this is not it,” Louis argues as soft as they can. “I know that it’s frustrating, okay? I get it. But it’s not worth the complications.”

Harry looks guilty again, and possibly a bit defeated, when he realizes that Louis has a point. Except Louis wants him to know that he has a point too and a right to feel like this, which is always a struggle with Harry. Louis has tried for years to find the words or the gestures for it but nothing sticks around. It’s frustrating for them because they hate seeing him like this and it hits home too close, too soon, too hard to just get back up and start again.

“I’m sorry,” Louis says and brings him in for a close hug. “I shouldn’t have said anything, I just… I want you to be safe about this. Don’t rush it just because you’re excited.”

Harry accepts the embrace and grasps Louis’ shirt tightly as a muffled _I know_ can be heard against their jumper. There are also a few tears that get soaked up by the fabric and Louis tries to lighten the mood by saying something about how they hope they don’t start crying too or it’ll ruin their makeup. It works.

“Come on, it’s like twenty minutes left before it starts and I saw a Starbucks next to the tube station.”

 

-

 

They don’t get scared. They just don’t. Harry can fight them.

 

-

 

Harry’s binder is a very sensitive subject. Understandably so. And Louis hates bringing it up, even when they’re worried out of their mind about if he’s doing it properly and like the instructions his doctor gave him. Doctor Hansen is a kind man, but he was very strict about how to go about starting with binders in Harry’s case considering some medical history and Louis is just worried that Harry isn’t taking the precautions seriously enough.

It’s not that Louis doesn’t trust Harry to take care of himself, but they don’t want him to be blinded by what the binder does and push the negative effects aside. Anne has voiced her concern to them too, because she can’t be there all the time and Harry doesn’t go home very often these days and it’s just a lot for her to take in from so far away. Louis assures her that it’s fine, even if they sometimes doubt it themself.

It’s not just the binder of course, there are a lot of things about the transitioning process that worries Louis, but it’s still a part of the many things that could cause struggle if something goes wrong and Louis doesn’t want this _good thing_ to become something negative for Harry. He’s been down for so long, wondering how to go about things and doubting himself, and they just want this to be okay for him so he can enjoy it.

Louis can’t put themself in his shoes, of course, but they understand the emotional struggle of not being comfortable with your gender and craving a feeling that is unrecognizable and indescribable. It’s emotionally draining and all together frustrating to go through, almost more so to watch. They try their hardest to be patient with Harry and to give him space when he needs it, but worrying in silence is painful.

And some days.

God. Some days.

 

“Harry!” Louis calls out when they get home one morning in early October.

The flat is quiet apart from the slightly above mute TV in the living room showing an old episode of Ghost Adventures that Louis was watching before they left ( _dude, bro, what the fuck was that._ Louis loves it) and there’s no response. They were only out for about half an hour to get breakfast, making sure to wake Harry up before leaving, and they’ve grown to assume that he’s up by the time they’re back. The assumption had never failed them before.

But there’s no tea ready in the kitchen or radio playing the morning show and they set the bags down next to nothing on the counter. They then go to turn the TV off and make their way down the hallway to Harry’s bedroom at the end of it. It’s a small space that seems too grudge for someone who loves colours, but Louis has never questioned it, doesn’t plan to start now, and instead worries about the empty bed.

“Harry?” they repeat and this time it sounds more like a question than a _honey I’m home_.

And the whole situation is questionable in itself. The silence, the smell of morning and strong fragrance in the air, the nothingness of it. Because of how nothing seems to move or engage with them, they almost start believing that someone paused it all. With their second story flat avoiding the streets below and the one opposite theirs staying abandoned, there’s no movement whatsoever.

Then there’s something faint. It feels like background silence, like it’s not meant to be heard but overpowers it to reach them. The room echoes with Louis trying to figure out where it’s coming from; their feet moving quickly out of there and pausing in the hallway to listen for it. It’s not more significant out there nor can they make out what it is, but they walk down the hallway again and it gets louder with their steps.

They open the bathroom door at the end of it, which is shared but only used by Harry to get ready in the morning since Louis relies heavily on their makeup table, and suddenly it’s like someone presses play and they’re thrown into an unfamiliar pace. They stumble a bit in the doorway at the image and freeze before they can step inside. Harry’s sitting on the floor, binder thrown to the side and nothing but a thin cotton t-shirt and some boxers on. He’s up against the wall, having trouble breathing and arms tightly wrapped around his chest.  

Louis isn’t good with these situations. They’ve gone through life being in them themself and seeing someone else sit there with such panic and desperation, _craving_ , is something they’re not entirely prepared for or familiar with. They’ve seen Harry at his worst with tears and screaming.

But.

This is different. This is knowing what you want to do so bad that not being able to snap your fingers and have it is heartbreaking. This is knowing what you can do and thinking it’s not enough. This is knowing that you have to wait and suffer to get it. This is going through something that most people don’t have to feel an ounce of.

Louis doesn’t know what to do except hug him. Except ask what’s wrong and feel their heart breaking when Harry tells them that he can’t get his binder on because he’s shaking too bad from seeing the before picture staring back at him in the mirror. Except pull him up off the floor and help him into it.

God. These days.

They haunt Louis. They keep them up at night wondering if Harry is having the same nightmares they had when they were at rock bottom. It was like if claustrophobia was a song and the soundtrack of feeling trapped in an open space. Trapped in your own body. And Louis hasn’t had those in over a year but it hits them sometimes that maybe Harry does now and it’s scary.

Not that Harry is at rock bottom, it’s been a couple of months since that happened. But it’s the bottom of _it keeps getting better_. He gets to go through something he’s been wanting for years, most of the time without even being able to talk about it, and it’s a big thing to look forward to but also an endless battle that he doesn’t know what to do with. He’s getting all these struggles thrown at him that he hadn’t expected and Louis keeps trying to pull him up and clean the wounds without knowing exactly where they are.

These days scare them. Endlessly.

 

Then there are Most Days. Something Louis will never underestimate or stop appreciating. It’s days like going on a ghost tour and hugging each other throughout an entire castle without actually experiencing anything and laughing the whole way home, buzzed from a couple of drinks and an unusually dry September. Or going out and buying Tesco’s entire stock of food colouring to do god knows what and ending up trying to wash it out of their hair as they simultaneously scrub the floor to get the red stain off the wood. It still faintly looks like someone died there, quite brutally, but it also reminds Louis of how much they laughed at it not going away.

It’s both of them sitting in front of the camera as Louis cuts Harry’s hair off and they both cry but also laugh at how messy it looks because Louis might know a lot about makeup but there’s a reason they don’t even dye their hair themself.

“You look like an asshole,” Louis says and pulls their fingers through Harry’s hair. It’s uneven and not finished, but it’s still short and liberating.

“And you _are_ an asshole,” Harry replies, but he can’t stop smiling.

It’s easy for the two of them, especially with all the constant support from their fans. The family-like community they’ve formed with their viewers and fellow youtubers is something, aside from their friendship, that keeps them both going. It motivates them to not only be the best version of themselves, but also to be honest and vulnerable about what they’re going through in hope that people won’t feel as alone anymore.

And Louis tries their hardest every day to put themself out there, because it’s been proven appreciated. When they first started out on Youtube, far back in 2008 at only 19 years old, they were nowhere close to this point. It was just their webcam, the smallest flat imaginable in Manchester and a lot of uneducated talking. They were someone who could’ve used 2016 Louis in their life. It was a time when they didn’t know a lot about the world or their friends or themself.

And they didn’t know Harry.

Harry was, and still is, a whirlwind. He came into their life in the best way possible and threw so much negativity out the window without even trying. He immediately seemed like the human version of early 2000 music mixed with the smell of a fresh bake and the feeling you get when you run your fingers over the spines of books at the library. There is a consistent glow about him that to this day remains unmatched.

It was during a 2009 vlog at Tesco in London with Louis trying to figure out if the move there would be a good idea or not. Manchester hadn’t been working out for them, a particularly bad breakup playing a huge part in wanting to leave, and London seemed like a good change of pace so they were checking out the UNI and looking to explore the general feel of it.

They’d been in the city for less than two hours and had decided to stop after the car ride to buy themself something to eat. They went to Tesco first to get minor things like soda and snacks, prepared to buy a quick meal some place cheap afterwards, and was walking around with their camera from the second they stepped out of the car. They hate sounding cocky, especially when it comes to their channel, but they were already quite popular considering youtube wasn’t that big of a deal yet and they made sure to document anything that could get a laugh out of their viewers.

Harry had been standing in the dairy aisle with a trolley full of nothing but candy bars and ice cream and was staring at the cans of whipped cream like he was deciding who to vote for in the election. It seemed almost intimate and extremely intense and it made Louis stop a few steps away to just take in what they were looking at.

“You’re planning one hell of a party,” they’d said without even considering how strange it seemed. Especially with the camera. Harry’d turned to them, naturally pink cheeks and raised eyebrows, glancing at the camera but not mentioning it.

“Just me, myself and sugar I’m afraid,” he’d said and blushed even more. “It’s exactly as weird as it looks.”

Louis knew that they’d regret it if they didn’t introduce themself and when they did Harry had seemed skeptic, maybe questioning their intentions, but never hesitated to give them his name. And if Louis came off as flirty it was only because they were trying so hard to deny themself realization. They used to flirt with everyone, burying themself in other bodies and people who were sure of who they were - hoping that it’d rub off on them eventually.

What they really needed was the opposite.

The two of them don’t talk a lot about the early years these days. It was a time when they were both stuck not being able to figure out who they were and trying to get by the best they could without showing it. But Louis thinks about it a lot. It’s something they can’t ignore; a time not worth remembering, but a moment they’d rather not forget.

Meeting Harry did them so much good.

And Louis doesn’t let themself think about it a lot, but they really love Harry. In more ways than they thought they would. They’re best friends and that’ll always be the most important thing, but something more has come to show with Louis that is not a part of that. It’s an outside experience entirely. They struggled to deal with it for a while, because it didn’t feel like they thought it would, _should_. They thought it would be one of those things you couldn’t ignore or avoid thinking about, that would haunt them every second of the day.

What Louis has found is that it’s more comfortable than anything. Pining isn’t exactly pleasant, of course, but falling in love with someone familiar is. There’s no worry about acceptance or character, nothing to doubt or question. It’s just an addition to everyday life that doesn’t always make sense, but that keeps them feeling safe in the outcome. Because a potential relationship isn’t the point and Louis wouldn’t mind if they have to fall out of it, but for now it’s a surprisingly positive thing to feel.

And sometimes.

Sometimes they think Harry feels the same.

Sometimes Louis thinks that maybe one day they’ll just kiss as if it’s not a big deal and fall into something without having to discuss it too much. It’s the way they’ve done everything else. Meeting was easy, moving in together was easy, developing habits and patterns with each other was easy. Louis wants this to be too. They want it to be a natural development.

They want it to be something.

 

-

 

“Hello everyone and welcome to another fabulous, random Wednesday with my absolute favourite human being, room mate and makeup artist Louis Tomlinson. I asked you guys on Twitter what you’d like me to do for today’s video and I got some reckless, sexy and definitely some disgusting requests. And by disgusting I mean making Louis eat everything from McDonald’s mixed in a blender with gravy. Thank you at hazzafood12 but that’s gonna have to happen later,” Harry says, cheery a always, and looks at Louis who’s been making faces at the camera the entire time. They stop instantly and just play with their nails instead in fake innocence.

“And by that he means never. I don’t love you _that_ much,” Louis says and takes Harry’s hand in theirs to still show affection. “I do love you enough for this though.”

“Which is our very first gender focused q and a together, something you’ve been requesting for months now. And we both tweeted about it and after watching this video you can go tweet us using the hashtag HLGender and we’ll be responding to some on twitter after this is up as well,” Harry continues to explain to the camera before digging around his pockets for his phone. Louis does the same until they finally get their phone out of their pocket, almost dropping it. “You ready?”

“Totally,” Louis answers very monotone and Bitch Face and Harry stifles a laugh.

“Okay, so whenever you find something just say it, yeah? I’ll edit the order later if I have to,” Harry says to them and goes to scroll through the hashtag.

It’s a mix of everything. Whenever either of them does something gender related, whether it’s tweeting or dedicating a whole video to it, there are so many different responses.  They both know this of course and it’s something they have to prepare for when they want to discuss it, you don’t have to  be famous to be met by strangers’ comments when discussing gender, but they’re usually on the edge when they do something centered around it. Their everyday life and social media activity contains a lot of it, but it’s mixed with what they had for breakfast or vidcon or x-factor commentary.

“Okay, so, how did your families react?” Louis reads and lowers their phone. Harry pauses and does the same before contemplating his answer. He gets this look on his face when he’s choosing his words carefully and Louis can’t help but turn their fond expression on when they see it.

“I mean, it was tough. I was expecting the worst case scenario and that’s not what I got, but they were still very… uneducated? And they didn’t really know what to say or how to act and it took a while for them to adjust to it. They’re great, but I don’t think they realize how hard it’s been,” Harry says and Louis can tell that he’s hesitant about it, but determined to be honest. They don’t talk about it much in private so Louis can imagine that it’s tough in front of the camera.

“Yeah,” Louis says to take the focus away from Harry. “I feel like the lack of knowledge affects me the most, because I know they’ll always support me no matter what, but it’s having to explain and correct constantly that gets tiring. I mean it took a while for them to understand even the most basic information and it was frustrating since I was so involved in everything and I forgot for a moment that not everyone is.”

“That sounds so depressing,” Harry says and they both chuckle at how serious they got all the sudden. They always try to act so carefree and casual but bad memories catch a certain attitude at the end of the day. “Because like, I didn’t experience my coming out as something negative, but when I talk about it I get all bitter.”

“It was great, guys,” Louis says and looks into the camera. “It’s not gonna be a fairytale and you’re gonna face some shitty stuff, but you’ll find people eventually who have your back whatever happens.”

“That’s better,” Harry decides and looks at his phone again. “Ok, this one’s for you; when did you get into makeup? It’s kinda gender related, right? I mean gender roles and all that.”

“Yeah, and it was right after we moved in together.” Louis looks to Harry quickly and then to the camera. “I was still just vlogging and my sister had stayed with me over the weekend. She forgot some makeup in my bathroom, like basic stuff, and she told me it was no big deal and to just leave it until she visited again. But one day I had this job interview and I had barely slept anything and I used some of her concealer to cover up the bags under my eyes and I don’t know, it just kinda escalated.”

“I caught them watching makeup videos so many times and they came up with the most ridiculous excuses, like checking out youtuber competition or accidentally clicking it or trying to find some products to buy Lottie even though her birthday was ages away and they always just get her Sephora gift cards anyway.”

Louis blushes, beyond their already rosy cheeks, but still smiles at how obvious they used to be. And oblivious to everyone else knowing. They sneaked around, feeling like they were having an affair - ashamed of it, and hid it for so long that when they finally felt comfortable enough to tell everyone they went from 0 to 100 almost immediately. It was a relief, a confidence boost, but also a trip down some shaky roads. Especially when it came to saying it to the camera.

“Fuck off, I was good,” Louis says and slaps him gently on the arm. “Watch out or I won't be doing your makeup anytime soon.”

“Oh, I can contour my face just fine, thank you. I just like it when you do it, baby.” Harry places a quiet and efficient kiss on Louis’ cheek before stroking it gently with his hand. It makes them look at him, soft but certain, and with that the teasing transitions into admiring. “I’m proud of you.”

“Ditto, punk,” they say and boop his nose. “You’re very brave.”

“I love you, you know that?”

And it doesn’t look like _I love you, jerk_ . More like _I love you, baby._ And that scares Louis enough that they decide to do the one thing they do best and move on from the moment. They’re not ready to face Harry and possible rejection and chaotic feelings. Not all at once at least. If a big reveal was ever happening they’d have to approach it like they did summer lakes; testing out the water one emotion at a time. Toes. Shaking knees. Cold stomach. Diving in.

“You too, darling. It’s getting too sappy though, Styles, so we should probably move on before you can’t resist me anymore.”  

“Jerk.”

 

-

 

It happens during movie night.

Once a month their little group will meet up at the movies, a tiny place a couple of blocks away that looks about ready to be torn down, and ask the lady at the ticket booth to give them whatever she thinks they’ll enjoy the least. At first she was confused by this and spent a couple of minutes arguing that she didn’t understand, but after a couple of regular visits she had already picked one when they showed up.

Now late November is treating them with terrible weather and a few too many things to do. There’s been early Youtuber Christmas parties and preparing videos for the Holidays so they could be given a break and getting into contact with new sponsors now that the Christmas Gift Rush was a thing again.

Louis has spent a few too many hours arguing with people over the phone and a few more trying to sort through all the free stuff being sent to them out of nowhere in hopes of a quick mention. Harry doesn’t have nearly as many people pestering him about products, but he does have a lot of appearances to prepare for now that a lot of cooking shows are getting into the Christmas spirit. Both of them are exhausted, taking it out on each other, and the tension has been a bit too high around the flat.

Movie night is still on though, always, and they walk together in complete silence to meet up with the others. They had an argument right before leaving and Louis was close to let Harry go by himself but decided to suck it up and tag along for the sake of no intrusive questions from Niall about his favourite married couple arguing again for no apparent reason. It would just be a repeat of last year and Louis was too tired of it to get other people involved too.

“Hey guys!” Liam calls out. The three of them are already waiting outside to Louis’ surprise. They’re usually incredibly late, but it’s a huge relief considering that Louis thought they’d have to stand there in silence with Harry or make a bad bathroom excuse that they could both see past. They’re a terrible liar at the end of the day and this was a much better option.

“Hi,” Louis says and snuggles more into their jacket. It’s freezing outside and the space between them and Harry just makes it so much colder. “Do you know what we’re watching?”

“Yeah, got the tickets. Shitty het comedy I think. Betty said it was bad.”

Liam hands them their individual tickets, right next to each other, and opens the doors to step inside. Harry hasn’t said a word yet, blowing their cover already, and Louis goes first so Niall can do what he does best and get too involved by working Harry’s emotional side. He knows that he won’t get a word out of Louis, because they hate Niall knowing exactly what to say, but with Harry it’s always the opposite. He likes talking. He likes putting his business out there. Something that Louis has never understood, but doesn’t mind unless it involves them.

“Ok, so snacks are on me and Zayn tonight, but we’ll need someone to help us carry,” Liam says once they’re all inside and gathered by the benches outside their section. Niall and Harry are still talking in hushed voices a few feet away from the three of them, but Niall jumps at the opportunity despite it interrupting their conversation. If it was any other day they all would’ve gone to buy snacks, but Liam isn’t as oblivious as Louis thought.

“I’ll help,” Niall says and puts his arm around Zayn’s waist while also grabbing Liam’s arm with his free hand. He’s as unsubtle as Harry’s been about his mood when he drags them away and leaves Louis to dread the company again. They don’t want to talk about it.

Louis sits down and sighs as they cross their arms over their chest and lean against the back of the bench. Harry is still standing where Niall left him and there’s a thick space between them that’s been growing since this morning and is now represented by real distance, just maybe not enough of it.

They can see the others standing in line and glancing back at them occasionally without attempting to hide it. It’s almost December and if it wasn’t for the fact that both Louis and Harry are terrible actors when it comes to each other, the time of the year would’ve been a big hint that something is wrong. It’s starting earlier than usual, they usually stay happy throughout November, so it came as a bit of a surprise. And Louis doesn’t know how they keep falling for the holiday stress, but it’s there all the same every year and this was no exception.

“I’m sorry,” Harry says and Louis’s eyes snap from Niall’s worry to Harry’s hesitation. “I was wrong and I’m sorry. I don’t wanna sit through an entire movie pretending I’m not.”

Louis is still quiet, contemplating what to tell him. There’s a lot they want to say; _i love you, we should forget about it, let’s just exist together without this. For once. Forever_ . _Please I’m begging you._

“Me too,” Louis says instead and scoots over to make more space. Harry goes to sit next to them and says no more than that. There’s still no eye contact because as soon as Louis tries to make it happen Harry keeps staring at the floor, but Louis grabs Harry’s hand gently instead and leans against him. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he says and kisses Louis’ temple. “We’ll talk about it later, yeah?”

“Do we have to? I’d rather just… not,” Louis groans and Harry laughs at them.

“We really should, love.” Harry squeezes their hand and brings it up to his lips for quick kiss. “We don’t have to get all sappy. We just have to do some adult-ing.”

“Fuck adult-ing.”

It’s explains their personalities perfectly when they think about it. Louis is made to take the easy way out while still staying stubborn when they have to, while Harry needs to go into emotional details for hours but easily admits that what he’s said or done might not have been the best decision. It doesn’t mix well when times get tough; when December comes along.

“Yeah,” Harry laughs. “Fuck it.”

 

-

 

When Harry sneaks his arm around Louis, they pretend not to notice. When they slowly lean into it a few minutes later, he pretends too.

 

-

 

Louis drops the keys on the small table in the hallway and bends down to untie their shoes, Harry trailing behind. They've got words down their throat that’ve appeared out of the silence on the walk home after the movie. Sentences, _confessions_ , have wrapped themselves around their tongue like a wire ready to hold on tighter to keep them from speaking. Because it might be too much all at once and maybe they should’ve thought this through more but they see an opening.

“You know I love you, right?” Harry says and Louis’s body snaps back up into standing so they can turn their head to look at him. He’s standing one step away from the door and it looks like he’s ready to walk right out of it again. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Louis says but it’s affected by extreme confusion. There’s a smile on their face as they also frown and turn their body around as well. “Should I make some tea for this?”

They gesture for the kitchen and is about to head in when Harry grabs their wrist gently and shakes his head ‘no’ before saying “I just wanna talk and- I don’t know, go to bed.” Louis nods and stops themself from going anywhere.

“I thought you said we wouldn’t go sappy though?” Louis points out, teasing of course. “Just adult-ing our way through life.”

The dramatic vibe makes Harry laugh, which is all Louis wants. The intensity makes them so uncomfortable and they’re not great when long, serious seconds pass by. They make it their mission to make things easier, lighter, less _stick up your ass_ and more _let me see that pretty smile of yours once in a while_.

“You’re terrible at adult-ing,” Harry whispers and slides down against the door while looking off towards the end of the hallway. Louis doesn’t disagree, because it’s very true, and sits down next to him on the floor. They realize that it’s not the best spot in the flat, especially not since their conversation can easily be heard in the entire corridor outside, but they don’t want to question Harry right now.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I’ve just been a mess and I took it out on you and that was shitty. It’s just- I don’t need you to baby me,” Louis says and turns their body slightly so that turning their head towards Harry won’t happen at an awkward angle. “I’m already stressed and like, I’m not fine, you know? I’m not gonna lie. Not to you. But I also don’t wanna tell you that I'm not doing good because you’re constantly worrying when I’m not 100 percent on top of the world and that just makes it worse. I know you care but I can’t be okay all the time and you nagging me with asking if I’m doing alright isn’t gonna do me any good when I’m drowning in stuff to do that you can’t even help me with.”

Harry seems to feel extremely guilty about it; the way he does when Louis throws a new perspective his way. He’s not good at looking at things from different point of views and so it surprises him when Louis doesn’t look at things the same way. It’s gotten him into trouble too, fights and negative feedback, and Louis tries so hard to talk to him about it but they can’t get it to stick around.

“I’m sorry, shit- I’m sorry,” he says and closes his eyes tightly before resting his forehead against where his knees are pulled up to his chest. “I guess I’m just used to wanting to talk about things and I know you don’t, but I wish you would just talk to me instead of avoiding me. You don’t have to cry your eyes out but pushing me away isn’t- it feels like I’ve done something wrong.”

“You haven’t,” Louis assures him and scoots closer so they can put an arm around him too. “I promise I’m not avoiding you, I’m just dealing with some stuff I didn’t think would bother me. I mean, it’s not just December.”

“It just seems like you’ve stopped caring lately,” Harry whispers, almost inaudibly to Louis, and sighs.

The admission hangs in the air for a few moments and Louis tries their hardest to get a grip of what he’s saying. Because Louis cares. They care wholeheartedly, terribly, impeccably. They may be an asshole right now, but that doesn’t mean they don’t give a fuck. Even after their worst fights Louis’s still there. They can’t not care. They can’t not worry. They can’t not love him. And maybe that’s a problem sometimes but Louis, well, they don’t care.

“What?” they breathe out, almost offended. “I don’t care?”

“No, I mean, it’s just lately I feel like you’re never here,” Harry tries to explain but it just digs a deeper grave. “I know it’s selfish, alright? I know I’ve got no right to- to tell you to be here because I don’t fucking own you but you’re just distant and I’m not used to it. And it was never like that, not even last December.”

Distant makes more sense to them. They have been. Not intentionally, but they’ve noticed a habit that they didn’t exactly plan on forming that came with having to hold back on certain feelings. They’d go from pulling back from hugs sooner to not giving them as often, or from sitting further away on the couch to choosing the armchair. It was just easier on them because it was a choice they had to do to not have Harry see what everyone saw on camera or what all their friends would point out when Harry wasn’t there.

They were so scared of change that they changed. On their own terms.

Of course it’s not fair. None of this is fair. Their life from start to finish won’t be fair. All Louis wants is to control what they can, when they can. And apparently it’s been affecting Harry more than they intended it too - which was not at all, but they thought they were being subtle about it when they tried their best not to appear struck by love twenty-four seven. Love that is not platonic. In Love. A love separate from their friendship, but that makes the lines blurry when Louis thinks about it.

“What changed, Lou?” Harry asks when Louis won’t say anything. They’re staring off at the end of the hallway as he stares at their profile. It’s dark outside so the only thing that makes it possible for them to see each other is the street lights shining through from the kitchen window. It illuminates with a cold, blue-based glow and it’s just enough to keep the lights off.

“I didn’t mean for it to,” Louis says, honestly. “I was scared of losing you like you are. I know you’d never leave me, but that doesn’t mean nothing will change and I’m so scared of losing this because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I know I don’t say that enough but I think about it every day.”

They cry, like a light switching on. Emotions like these are hard to handle because the safest hands to care for them are Louis’ own two and right now Harry’s holding them carefully but without knowing how to keep them safe. And when Louis thinks of these emotions they get a flashback of something that hasn’t even happened yet; of a situation that they’ve made up in their head where Harry isn’t comfortable with the responsibility.

Because they’ve been there before, standing beside an open casket that no one paid for, that no one wanted. And no one attended the funeral besides the person who caused it because Louis didn’t want to invite anyone to their breakdown. Everyone just heard the story, sent their condolences in the mail and moved on. And Louis did too. In London. With Harry. And they don’t know where to move on from _this_ because they’re running out of safe spaces.

“What would change this for the worse? God, Louis, you could probably kill a guy and I would dig the grave for you.” Harry is over-exaggerating and doesn’t understand, but Louis appreciates it nonetheless. Probably a bit too much. “Things change for us but it’s gonna be for the better as long as I have say.”

And Louis wants to say what they said the first time they performed a poem. _You and I, we wanted to be the sky, but what we became was so much more._ They want to point out all of the things Harry doesn’t like about himself and call them constellations but it doesn’t matter unless he knows what it means to them that he’s here today. Because Louis has been running with no place to go for so long and in Harry they’ve found some sort of shelter that they want to make a permanent home out of.

But instead of that they say, “I’m in love with you”, which feels like the same thing. “I have been for a while now. I don’t know how long but it doesn’t matter, because the point is that I still am and that’s all I have to deal with, because being in love with you was so good until I realized that I probably shouldn’t say anything unless I wanted to risk not having you here at all. And this always comes first, our friendship is- fuck, it’s so important to me and being in love with you has always seemed so silly in comparison, even though it's not.”

_Your eyes are a freefall every time you look at me._

_Please don’t make me your ‘sometimes’. I want always_.

_I don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t met you._

_Maybe I’m hard to love, but look at us; loving each other_.

_Tell me everything you hate about yourself. Tell me everything you regret doing. I will still be here._

They can’t bring themself to say any of it, but it sits there unspoken and promising. More promising than Louis assumes Harry’s answer will be, because this is a bit too much even for them. They always thought that if this was to ever happen they’d do it properly, woo him, but now they’re sitting on the floor crying before they’ve even been rejected and looking nothing like _Promising._ And it may seem like they’re grieving a loss that hasn’t happened, but they did lose themself for so long and that’s a good enough reason.

“You truly are something else, Louis Tomlinson,” he says, not sounding bothered whatsoever, and makes an awkward attempt at being closer to them.

And then Harry kisses them like the world is ending. Like they could one day have a porch to sit on and a house to go home to and a life to live together. Like you’re the moon and I’m the sun and the sea just wants what’s best for us and if that’s being together then so be it. Like _hello, I’ve been waiting for you ever since I realized something was missing_.

And Louis kisses him like the world is just taking its first breath.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaah, I really hope you enjoyed it! I had a lot of fun writing it. If you find any grammatical errors, inaccurate facts or offensive comments, descriptions etc. please let me know because that's not what I want this fic to contain.
> 
> And if you want to come talk to me about it you can find me on [my tumblr](http://alienseb.tumblr.com/) and the fic post is [here](http://alienseb.tumblr.com/post/148400361153/like-real-people-do-youtuber-au-getting-to-know) x


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